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Blogging is like a closet.


Let me explain.
1/4 closet (his) + 3/4 closet (hers) = 1 closet = happy couple.

So while this is my blog, Tom clearly needed his own space. Enter: Tom's Corner. And it's his. Entirely. 100%. Until........I need the space of course.

Are you friends with your kids?

2/19/2015

 
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There is an ever increasing parenting style in the U.S. that I’m going to label the “parent friend.” More and more kids and parents are BFFs than ever before. Personally, I feel this is a problem. 

I’ve been teaching for 12 years and just when I think I’ve seen it all, I get surprised once again. I teach in a high school and every day I see parents bringing in lunch money/lunches, sports gear, homework, instruments, and even cups of coffee. I hear more parents being referred to by their first names by their own children and have witnessed more disrespect than ever before. A lot of people tell me, “Oh just wait till your kids are in high school”. Okay, maybe. My oldest is five and my youngest just turned three. True, they are young still, but I am making a conscious effort to do everything in my ability to foster responsible, conscientious and kind human beings. For their own good. And mine. After all, I love them but don’t want them, their spouses, children and pets living with me and playing video games on my couch when they’re 40! 
Today, if a kid says they are afraid of their parents everybody jumps to the conclusion that there is an abusive relationship going on. What happened to having a “healthy fear” of your parents? If you did something wrong, you were actually worried your parents would find out and try to correct the behavior. It's not like as a kid, I had welts or bruises on me. I received a slap on the butt now and again or even a simple timeout and yes, that did the trick. My pride may have suffered temporarily but I learned to behave. Did I still love my parents? Absolutely...and I also respected them. Still do. 

Parent-Friend Ideology Examples

3 -year-old doesn’t pick up their toy’s. “That’s o.k. I’ll pick them up for you. Next time though you need to help mommy, would that be o.k. with you peachy pie?”

4- year-old has a tantrum in the store because they want candy. Dad quickly buys the candy and gives it to them to eat immediately.

5- year-old at his younger siblings birthday party gets presents as well because the parents don’t want them to feel bad that it isn’t their birthday.

8-year-old- “I don’t like this meal. Casseroles are disgusting”. Parent “O.k. what would you like me to make for you? Mac & Cheese or a hot dog?”

Father goes to his 12-year-old son’s basketball game and afterwards says. “Son you need to shoot more and pass less. You’re so much better than everyone else.”

13-year-old son forgot his homework and texts mom- Mom leaves work and goes home and drops it off at school.

14-year-old- to mom “I have to sell candy bars for the volleyball team.” Moms response. “Don’t worry honey. I’ll take them to work and sell them for you.”

15-year-old- “I don’t understand my math homework! Well it’s because your math teacher isn’t teaching you properly. Here give me the pencil let me do it for you.”

A father can’t even watch a football game with 16-year-old son because he’s on the phone the entire time texting. 

17-year-old daughter- Mom I want more guy’s to like me. -Mom pays for cosmetic surgery.

16-year-old shows up wasted to school dance. Parents are mad at the district, not their child. They worry something permanent will go on record and hurt their chances at college. 

Parents to 18-year-old “Do you want to have a party at the house? Mom and I are going away over the weekend. Just make sure nobody drives themselves home.”


Parents are increasingly calling college professors to discuss grades.
Some of you are thinking...Yeah I've done some of these but I'm not doing them because I want to be their friend. That may be true. Sometimes we do them simply because it's the easier thing to do. However any of these lowers your authority and you start lowering yourself to the same level as your kid.

I am not by any means a parenting expect. Nor the perfect parent. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I just wonder how this new parenting philosophy that empowers kids is not going to have a negative effect on our society. Why is it that more student's are dropping out of college? The U.S. suicide rates among teens is astoundingly high. Is it because kids just aren't able to handle anything on their own anymore? Too many parents swoop down and solve their problems for them. I am by no means claiming that it is as simple as a different parent raising ideology but I feel that it is part of the problem.
Proverbs 13:24 MSG)
A refusal to correct is a refusal to love;
    love your children by disciplining them.

Proverbs 19:18(MSG)
Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them.


How about you? What parenting mistakes have you made or witnessed? We're all on the same journey.
this post is linked with running with spoons.

Did you read my last post? The best thing you can you give your loved one?
21 Comments
Sam
2/18/2015 11:21:17 pm

I've fallen into giving my kids what they want in the store because I don't want a tantrum. And yes it solves that problem but brings on future ones. I hear stories in the news where underage drinking occurred. I can't believe the number of patents that willingly allow it.

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Tom
2/19/2015 05:25:49 am

Sam we've all given in from time to time. I can't believe these parents aren't worried about getting sued.

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Stacy
2/19/2015 12:53:23 am

Well when my kids come home I've learned they must complete their homework before they are allowed to do anything else. Otherwise it doesn't get done and I'm too tired myself to do their homework after I've worked a full day.

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Tom
2/19/2015 05:26:29 am

Nice suggestion. My oldest is going to kindergarten next Fall and that will be a nice habit to start.

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Jabez
2/19/2015 01:02:59 am

Not a parent you are right parents should not be friends with your kids give them love and discipline as God tells us
People wonder whats wrong with kids now days
You are doing good job keep it up

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Tom
2/19/2015 05:28:07 am

Thanks Jabez. We need God's wisdom and help walking the line between love and disciple. Thanks for stopping by.

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Gingi Freeman link
2/19/2015 05:10:48 am

I have mixed feelings on this. Growing up, I always considered myself to be a "friend" of my parents. My dad used to always tell me I was one of his best friends. As I grew up, our friendship really did deepen and mature into an adult friendship that I still treasure, I can say as a 30 year old that my dad and mom are some of my closest friends. HOWEVER. This "friendship" has backfired with my sister. She grew up spoiled, entitled, and co-dependent, and she is now a 27 year old who still acts like a teenager and relies on mom and dad for financial support. I have NO IDEA how my parents raised us the same, and how we turned out so drastically different. But whenever she does something (even now!) that requires a "parent" and not a "friend".. she pretty much ONLY has a "friend" in my parents. It makes me so sad to see.. so I am torn on the friendship parenting style. I'd like to be friends with my kids.. but NOT if it means they miss out on having a mother first and foremost... - www.domesticgeekgirl.com

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Tom
2/19/2015 05:24:14 am

Thanks for chiming in. It is amazing how different each individual can be. Personally I think a friend relationship can be great when your kids are no longer kids, but adults themselves. I love my girls and hope we are really close when they are older. But like you said not at the expense of teaching them what life is really all about. Life can be tough and I hope my girls learn to persevere through the trials that come there way.

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Linda
2/19/2015 05:54:36 am

I just think it's getting tougher and tougher being a parent. My girls come home from school and say that everyone else has uggs, north faces, their own cell phones of course iPads. Where does it stop? How can I afford all this stuff? I never had all this as a kid and was fine.

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Tom
2/20/2015 07:02:32 am

Thanks for adding to the conversation. The reality is the more you say no the better the kid's become. I see it everyday as a teacher. The parents who don't overindulge have happier more content kid's. Keep it up.

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Erin R.
2/19/2015 06:11:18 am

Oh, yikes, you've seen all those things? I got along well with my parents and developed friendships with them both as I got older, but they were definitely parents while I was growing up. If I forgot my homework, then I got a 0 on the assignment and got in trouble when I went home. It never would have occurred to me to have my parents do these things for me and I'm sure they would have laughed in my face if I had asked. I got an occasional spank, too, but it was scary and embarrassing rather than traumatic. It served its purpose and I learned how to behave. I don't have a child myself and can't really make judgments about other people's parenting as I know each child is unique and has their own personality and challenges. But I truly hope I would never become a parent friend, either accidentally or deliberately.

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Tom
2/20/2015 07:06:36 am

Unfortunately I continue to see those things every day. Especially the older kid's in the high school. My parents would have laughed as well. There's no way they would have left work to bail me out. Thanks for commenting Erin.

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Tandy | Lavender and Lime link
2/20/2015 04:20:03 pm

While children are growing up they need discipline and boundaries. There's plenty of time to be friends with them when they are well adjusted adults :)

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Tom
2/21/2015 06:29:29 am

Thanks for stopping by. Agreed. :)

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Lori @ TheHealthMinded.com link
2/22/2015 08:37:08 am

Great topic! I am really shocked by the lack of parenting sometimes. It really is the ultimate act of love for your children to be consistent, teaching them through discipline and many other ways, being the example of what you want them to be, spending time with them and respecting them as individuals, and insisting on it for others and themselves as well.

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Tom
2/22/2015 11:59:28 pm

Right on we fail to realize that love = consistent teaching and discipline. Thanks Lori.

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Kaylin@EnticingHealthyEating
2/22/2015 02:48:36 pm

Personally, I am best friends with my mother. Besides my fiance, she is an will always be my favorite person to spend time with. We've been close since I was born and have only grown closer since I've gotten older. Does this mean she spoils me? Not at all. Does this mean she doesn't expect me to push myself to become a great, independent, successful human being? Absolutely not. I feel like you can be friends with your children if it's done correctly and the boundaries are still set.

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Tom
2/22/2015 11:58:39 pm

I'm glad you have grown into a friendship with your mom. It doesn't sound like your mom did set boundaries and didn't overindulge you when you were growing up. As adults she is no longer raising you and friendships can be fine. Just be careful once you're married not to air your "dirty laundry." Every couple has their ups and downs and your mom can't be the one to solve your problems. Thanks for chiming in and letting me know what you think.

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AmberLynn Pappas link
3/7/2015 01:11:45 pm

I am one of those college professors who have had parents contact them about their children's performance in my class. I teach exercise courses....how hard is that to understand that if your child doesn't show up and participate, they're not going to pass. Maybe you should make your kids more accountable so that at 19 and up they can act like adults. I have a 4 year old and an almost 2 year old and I am not a short order cook to either of them. They don't get presents at each others parties. And I am not embarrassed by my child having a meltdown in a store (that's their developmental age) because they need to learn to deal with the disappointment that they wont' get whatever they want whenever they want it. There is a lot of way too soft parenting going on. I think kids need to have what my parents and grandparents gave me...a reverent fear of them. I was afraid to disrespect them and lost their respect. I was afraid to disappoint them with my actions and words. My kids have that as much as they can at their ages. I hope that I will be able to hold my ground as they grow and produce two great and responsible human beings.

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Tom
3/10/2015 01:32:17 am

Well said AmberLynn. It sounds like you're kids will have nothing to worry about. When you don't over endulge and enable your giving your kids the opportunity to become responsible adults.

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ellen beck
1/22/2018 01:19:43 am

Iwas never 'friends' with my daughter until she became about 22. I am 'old school'. I dont believe in the whole friend thing, and see it fail constantly. I worked in the school sysystem for aa lot ofyears and never saw it work either, I saw a lot of parents making excuses and not teaching their kids .
I agree with what you say.
BTW a tantrum never bothered me, we would leave, and it would be dealt with at home.

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